Learning to Let Go

Over the past month, and even before the 1^st of the year, I have been going over and over in my mind what I want this year to be about. What is the new lesson I need to learn or what previous lesson do I need to build on?

It’s easy to say what you want or need. “I need to work out more.” “I need to eat healthier food.” “I want to find a better job.” “I want a new car; to buy a house; a new TV; a new couch; a stronger body; a sharpened mind; more quality time with family and friends.” This list is simple to build. Each of us dream about all the ways our life would be better if we just had this one new thing, new experience, or new breakthrough.

More money? Sure, that would be nice. More time? How do we even go about finding THAT? A healthier self? That’ll take lots of work, but sure…I’m in for that plan.

But what about what we DON’T need? What about what we should drop, release, sever…

What about the “let it go” list?

That, at least for me, is always much more difficult. I’m a sentimental person. I’m a human being with human weaknesses for attachment. I make excuses. I justify keeping things around. I like to think that if I just keep holding on, maybe that thing/idea/belief/person will come in handy some day.

But, wait…isn’t that hoarding? I sound like a hoarder now when I say it out loud to myself.

Okay, so that may be a little harsh. Let's look at this from another angle; let's consider some of our earliest lessons in life.

When we are young, we start to learn, slowly, what our capacity is to hold onto things.

In the first cases, it is quite literal. Want to play with a new toy? Well, you have to set down the one from your left hand or your right hand, because you can’t both hold and play with all three at the same time. Want to carry some things into another room? You will have to choose what you actually want to bring, lest the entire pile of stuffed animals, snacks, cars, dolls, blocks, and your juice cup all explode forth from your arms into a mushroom cloud of playtime projectiles. (If you doubt this one, watch ANY toddler when they decide that they want to be in the adjacent room and EVERY THING THEY OWN must come with them rightthissecond.) We learn that we have to choose. We learn that we should ask for help. We learn by example that tools and cooperation are good things when we want to take on more than we can carry by ourselves. We also reinforce that dump trucks are cool AND useful.

As we get older, we learn the importance of letting go emotionally.

Like little Timmy and want to hang out with him again, but you are afraid he’ll play with your favorite Legos? Well, you have to let go of the need to have complete ownership so that you can gain the skill of sharing. You decide friendship with this really cool kid is more important than the need to possess or control. This is reinforced when you have lots of fun, and, as it turns out, he brings over some of his toys to share, too. How awesome!

You let go of temper tantrum behaviors because you learn they will get you nowhere. They might also get you grounded.

You learn to get over the disappointment of a mean “friend” letting you down because you remember you have lots of real friends that are more than happy to share the swings, have a picnic, invite you to sleepovers, and stand up for you.

Your first childhood pet dies and you learn of life’s impermanence.

As we experience more intense grief moving forward through life, letting go becomes a skill necessary to preserving our mind, body, and spirit: we hold onto the memories and the lessons, but we learn to let go of what is not, or cannot, be there in our lives anymore.

In many of these situations, we are almost forced to let go. But how do we make this skill a conscious decision? When an object, a person, an idea, a concept, or a notion no longer aligns with your values and no longer serves to grow you and strengthen you, it’s usually time to just let it go.

You can have it “all,” and you can do it “all,” but not all at once, not all by yourself, and not while you are still holding onto obstacles. You need tools. You need people. You need skills. You need patience. You need release.

The reason I say it is “all” is that this term may be defined for different people. Maybe a better way to put this is that you can be actively whole and have a whole world. To be whole, you have to get rid of the holes.

Holes are things, people, relationships, beliefs, and nostalgic notions that take more away from you than they put in…they are parasitic portions of your life that are a detriment to your being. They might have been useful at one point; they might have seemed to be a good thing; they might have been crutches; they may have been pulling you down and eating at you all along.

People that always break their promises, items that clutter your life, the need to be right or to control, the need to do everything yourself or for everyone else, thoughts that weigh you down, and excuses and justifications that you tell yourself over and over again or use to put yourself down rather than picking yourself up are slowly burrowing into, and through, the person you have the potential to be. Your whole, complete, healthy, strong, beautiful self. Basically...

NOT LETTING GO IS SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY KILLING YOU.

And here’s the real kicker: if you can’t be your whole wonderful self, you can’t be much good to anyone else either.

Now, I’m not saying you are not valuable, because you are extremely valuable and wonderful and inherently amazing in the deepest core of yourself. However, it’s also true that you can’t help someone that is drowning if you don’t know how to swim…or if the current is far stronger than you can handle…or maybe even if you don’t have the right tools or a little help from a few more people. Using a less aesthetically pleasing metaphor, have you ever seen two drunks trying to help each other? It’s kinda sweet, it’s confusing, and while well-intentioned, it almost always ends in either injury or a big ol’ mess.

I can’t tell you what things you need to get rid of in your life, because I don’t directly know all your struggles and your pains and your promises to yourself. I'm not in your head, so I cannot, and should not, tell you what you must release in order to be healthy and happy. Well, maybe other than certain drugs and foods that are sure to kill you, but since I'm all about individual choices and responsibilities, those decisions are still very much up to you.

So, as I cannot speak to anyone's needs but my own, here is my personal (partial) list for myself:

• I will stop wasting time on petty activities and petty conversations. This doesn’t mean I can’t veg; it just means it can no longer be the “main event” day after day after day. This doesn’t mean I can’t joke; this just means that I won’t get pulled into circular stubborn silliness from myself or others.
• I will let go of my excuse that I don’t have enough time. I do have enough time. I have to weed through what wastes my time so that I can embrace what enriches my time.
• While I’m at it, I will just let go of excuses. Period. I still make too many of them, and that must stop.
• I will stop putting off furthering my education. To do this, I first need to let go of my fear that I can’t handle it.
• I will let go of the need to attend every single event that I’m invited to; I will release the anxiety that I’ll be left out or unloved if I don’t go to this birthday dinner or that picnic.
• I will let go of fears in favor of adventures.
• I will let go of friendship “ghosts,” resentments, and unnecessary anger.
• I will let go of the need to make sure every person likes me. Not everyone is going to like me. I really need to get over it.

My list will continue to grow as I look into myself and approach my personal inventory with (sometimes harsh) honesty. This list will also take a lot of work, and I highly suspect some of these things will not be completely let go of by year’s end. However, I can work toward these goals in earnest and strengthen my letting go “muscles.”

Tonight, I will be going to a rock climbing gym for the first time in my life. I have anxieties about heights and climbing. That’s a nice way to put it. Here we go, this is more honest: I’m pretty much terrified. That said, though, I am letting go of the fear holding me back, depending on trusted friends and climbing tools to help carry the burden, and moving forward, quite literally, in the exercise of learning to let go of one thing in order to grasp the next. This year, as with my experience tonight, I will learn to release, gain new footholds, and climb toward the summit.

What will you let go of today to grab onto tomorrow?